• Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
• I haven’t dated in months, but today this hot girl was all like “excuse me, which way is 7th street?” and I was like, “Yes.” …I still got it.
• How’s everyone holding up? It’s crazy out there! I’ve killed 15 zombies so far… Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?
• I don’t care what anyone says. Mustaches are awesome, and I am keeping it.
• I saw two spiders, but only killed one. Then I yelled, “TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW!” …So far, so good.
• Alright ladies, the sooner one of you bites the bullet and becomes my girlfriend, the sooner I leave the the rest of you alone. Take one for the team.
• I just changed the name of our wireless network to “Pretty Fly for a WiFi.”
• Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

Not so much the “I’m gently weeping on my pony because I fell for a hometown golden boy” songs, but more of the “I kick ass at life, and there is a slight chance that I am an actual princess” kind…

Oh by the way, taking care of 2 little boys without a voice- not recommended.

Apparently, yelling isn’t effective without the sound…

Oh hi, tattoo barbie… where were you when I was 8?!

I personally love this new Barbie, and I think the parental outrage over it is a little hilarious. There are far bigger concerns in the world today than a doll with some ink and an edgy style. 

If she came with a functional tattoo gun complete with a set of needles, then I’d understand your concern… But for now, let’s keep our focus on banning toys that are actually hazardous. Or the ones that eat and/or poop. ‘Cause that’s just not natural.

I just explored through an old diary from when I was ages 12-15. I have tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard… Here are some of my favorite highlights:

“One of my friends ALWAYS has a boyfriend… I think it’s because she has boobs.”

“I looked so cool last night! I wore tan pants, a silky shirt with flared sleeves, purple eyeshadow, and body jewels.”

“Today, I dropped out of band.”

I had my most successful spider hunt in the entire history of me killing things. (bugs)…

I did not scream, I did not have to run laps around the apartment to pump myself up, I did not use an embarrassingly large object to carry out the killing, and I did not wake up anyone in the apartment complex to come help me. 

And it ended up dead. DEAD.

*I shook for thirty minutes and I think my heart may have stopped.

My gaming system of choice.

You gotta watch out for those damn mushrooms though… Those sneaky little assholes get me every time…

Words to live by.

(Source: wiseidea.net)